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Parents We cannot Be

The Parents We Cannot Be features ten LGBTQ+ people, none of whom are parents, but all of whom want to be.

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Parents We Cannot Be

This project, through 10 videos and 10 portraits, highlights how in recent years the legal pathways to adoption and artificial insemination have been systematically closed off to LGBTQ+ people in Hungary. Those you see today cannot become parents.

There are many reasons someone might not become a parent. Some simply don’t want to be since they can’t see themselves in that role. Others don’t wish to commit financially. Some openly admit they’re too selfish to sacrifice the lifestyle they’ve built for themselves. Some simply choose something else: a career, travel or freedom. All valid choices.

Parenthood is often a choice. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to be a parent. The problem begins when it’s no longer a choice but an unavailable option. While heterosexual couples who struggle with fertility still have options, Hungary’s “family-friendly” government has blocked every avenue for the LGBTQ+ community. This denies hundreds of individuals and couples a natural longing and a dream. It condemns thousands of children not to grow up in loving families but in a system where, all too often, they receive neither love nor hope for a better life.

Why someone doesn’t become a parent is nobody else’s business. It’s private. But it’s not right when this choice becomes a political issue—an agenda, a tool, an ideology. LGBTQ+ individuals in Hungary cannot freely decide on parenthood; they’re subjected to a hostile (legal) environment created by government propaganda. For them, this is not private, just as neither their sexuality nor their gender identity is. What should remain ‘behind closed doors’ becomes politicized. In today’s Hungary, the government, based on ideology—which could simply be called homophobia—does everything possible to politicize LGBTQ+ existence and present their human rights as a threat to the public.

Parents We Cannot Be presents ten LGBTQ+ people, none of whom are parents but who all wish they could be—in another life, under different circumstances, or in another country, they might already be. Some have already begun the journey but found themselves stopped. Some have set this dream aside but haven’t given up. Some quietly long for it. Some fight for it.

The Parents We Cannot Be project was originally called Parents We Never Became. However, during the interviews, where these people spoke about the most beautiful human goal—sometimes sweetly, sometimes bitterly—we decided we didn’t want to permanently mark their futures, nor the futures of children who could one day grow up in their families. We believe it doesn’t have to stay this way. We believe that—as one of our participants says—good people deserve the chance to be parents. We believe we shouldn’t say “never,” neither to them nor to ourselves.

These images, videos, and texts are crystal-clear imprints of social injustice, and yet, they speak profoundly of people. Of the parents they could never be, and of the children left alone. This project is a call for action, a warning, and an act of defiance. Defiance that says even if the world is unjust, we will not be silent.

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Hungary protects the right of children to an identity consistent with their sex assigned at birth and ensures an upbringing aligned with the values based on our country’s constitutional identity and Christian culture.

 

Hungary’s Fundamental Law, [Freedom and Responsibility] Article XVI, Section 1

(1) Only married couples may adopt a child—except for adoptions by relatives and the spouse of a parent, as well as cases specified in Section (4).

(4) Exceptionally, under legally defined circumstances that warrant special consideration, and through a government-regulated procedure, a single person wishing to adopt may also be deemed eligible for adoption as stipulated by law.

 

Civil Code Section 4:121 [Adoptive Parent Requirements], Sections 1 and 4

The Minister responsible for family policy may grant approval for the guardianship authority to confirm the eligibility of a single person wishing to adopt, provided that the case warrants special consideration. Particular attention must be given to the provisions of Article XVI, Section (1) of Hungary’s Fundamental Law when granting this ministerial approval.

 

Act XXXI of 1997 on the Protection of Children and Guardianship Administration – Section 101, Subsection 6

The guardianship authority may determine the eligibility of a single person to adopt, under Section 4:121 (4) of the Civil Code, if the Minister responsible for child and youth policy has granted approval.

 

Government Decree 149/1997 (IX.10) on Guardianship Procedures and Child Protection Care – Section 39, Subsection 2e

Dani

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„I also think that I’d be a good parent, that we would be good parents. And in order to create a better world, good parents should have the opportunity of having children. I have no less right than anyone else to have a child. I find it insulting that anyone could think otherwise.Just because I’m a gay man, I don’t think that I’m worth less or that I’d be any less of a parent.”

Marcella Major

Zsolti

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„Like, if an oracle came to me and said that with absolute certainty that I won’t have kids, then it would be a real incentive, to start now and stand up for it and go to court, go all the way to Strasbourg. And not necessarily because I would want a baby now, but because I wouldn’t want that I could never have one in the future. I wouldn’t want this road to be closed to me or to anyone else.”

Marcella Major

Gábor

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„We would only be able to teach a child sociability through our social network here, in Hungary, in our own small community. We belong here and want to pass this on. Our culture and language would be very difficult to pass on abroad. It’s a wonder, how here at home something is built up between people, and that special something will prove invaluable later. It gives a child roots.”

Marcella Major

Attila

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„What’s important is that we can give them the love that we probably didn’t receive back then. We want them to feel that while it’s true someone’s abandoned them, but also that someone wants to adopt and raise them. They should feel that someone is there for them, that they’re not alone.”

Marcella Major 

Anonymous Woman I.

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„I can’t picture myself being old without children. If I try very hard to force the image, I can’t imagine where I’d be. We would be somewhere together for sure. It’s very hard for me to picture anything specific because the desire to have a child has always been so strong in me that if I realized that I can’t have one, I’d die a little.”

Marcella Major 

Anonymous Woman II.

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„It requires a great deal of thought and consideration for a same-sex couple to fully think through the way they want to raise a child, or how to adopt or how to bring a new person, a child into their family. And if they get to that level, it often requires traveling to another country and, of course, loads of money, too. Somebody who puts that much into it is probably going to raise the child to the best of their ability, and won’t just rest on their laurels.”

Marcella Major 

Marci

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„I’d like to have a child who is flexible enough to be able to adapt to the changing world as an adult, and not be inconsistent with themselves. It is possible to change without being inconsistent. I really wish they have a strong world view and be very happy. I think I already know and feel that there’s no greater satisfaction for a parent than to see that their child is well-balanced and happy. ”

Vivien Határközi 

Zoli

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„We’re a family because of our common goals. We’re a family because we’re headed in the same direction. We chose each other. We want to live together, we want to grow old together. That’s what a family is. We’d still be a family even without a child. If we were a straight couple in the same situation, and for some reason we couldn’t have a baby, we would still be a family.”

Vivien Határközi 

Anonymous Man I.

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“I think it’s a shame that so many children in Hungary live in foster homes when they could have a loving family, even a same-sex family, where they would fit in perfectly if be loved.”

Gergő Gecse 

Anonymous Man II.

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“I don’t think that your gender or your partner’s gender should determine whether or not you can raise a child. The state should not interfere in a decision made by professionals. Let the experts decide whether I’m eligible or not without someone up there deciding for completely incomprehensible reasons.”

Gergő Gecse 

Acknowledgments

We are grateful to Háttér Society and the U.S. Department of State. Special thanks to Csaba Kozma for his endless patience.

Thanks to Installáció Stúdió and Petra Kurucz for providing the filming location and their conscientious assistance.

To Vivien Határközi, Marcella Major, and Gergő Gecse for the beautiful portrait and behind-the-scenes photos, and for their inspiring enthusiasm.

To György Ujvári-Pintér and Pierre Canavese for translating and proofreading the English subtitles.

To Eszter Anna Kabán for proofreading the Hungarian texts—except for this line, which we added afterward.

For Krisztián Márton, for the professional advice and the subtitles – even if we were always just a little late. Or not just a little.

Thanks to Madhouse for hosting the exhibition, and special thanks to Fruzsina Végh for her ongoing support, yet again.

To Cirkó-Gejzír, Konfekció, and Kata Oltai for making the videos available on other platforms.

For Tamás Ivanics, for stepping in quickly and for the Voice. This was brat!
To the Rainbow Families Foundation for helping us gather participants.

To Sára Kerek, Gábor Bednárik, and the entire Everengine team.

And the biggest thanks go to our 10 participants. May you all one day become parents!
You’ll be wonderful.

This campaign is made possible with the support of Háttér Society. The views, findings, and conclusions presented in the exhibition and videos are those of the authors and participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of Háttér Society.

This campaign is supported by the U.S. Department of State. The views, findings, and conclusions presented in the exhibition and videos are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the U.S. Department of State.

GMP.SOCIAL

Contact

marci@gmp.social

adam@gmp.social

IMPORTANT information

This campaign is made possible with the support of Háttér Society. The views, findings, and conclusions presented in the exhibition and videos are those of the authors and participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of Háttér Society.

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